NeS2 Post 1757
In NeS2 Post 1757 continues Britt the Legend, as read by Arkng Thand. Britt, Cathia Imperator, Septimus and Dave (bearded lady) travel across the ocean to the Durotriges tribe in Briton. When they get there they meet Atepomarus, the Horse-God, who tells them Nyneve is in Hibernia. In return they must slay a foul-beast with guns granted by the Horse-God. The rabbits turn out to be vicious and they loose many crewmen but Cathia is certain Britt is now a real man after his first kill - a rabbit. Post Britt the Legend: Chapter Seven Britt the Legend: Chapter Seven For the first few days Britt was constantly throwing up over the side of the ship. But once he got used to the rocking motion of the sea he found the experience to be thrilling, seeing the open ocean before him and the strange lands to his left and right. They would frequently dock with random cities in Southern Europe and Northern Africa, granting Britt some incredible cultural experiences and shocks. Once they were attacked by pirates but the crew proved to be well-versed in combat - suspiciously so - and Britt's only contribution to the battle was to smack someone with book. Who turned out to be Septimus. Septimus spent most of his time blind drunk, which Britt suspected was the only way Septimus could look at his new "wife". Imperator kept mostly to herself, only appearing when Britt seemed to be in danger of falling off the side of the ship, drinking poisonous liquids, eating gunpowder or putting his head inside a cannon for a "closer look". When Briton was finally in range the trieme was rowed straight up onto the beach where it was laid to rest. Some crewmen remained on guard duty, working shifts with the rest of the crewmen who went to the nearest town with our heroes. The nearest town happened to be a hill fort that the local Iron Age tribe, Durotriges, inhabited. As Britt, Septimus, Imperator, Dave and the other crewmen entered the fort the people stared at them with intense dislike and distrust. Britt: "...Maybe we should find a new town?" Then there was a loud neigh of a horse and they turned about to be confronted by a strange, shirtless man, pant-wearing man with the head of a horse. Everyone: "... " The horse-man then spoke by simply opening his horse-mouth, not needing to move his lips to form words. Horse-God: "I'm Atepomarus." Everyone: "... ... " Horse-God: '''"Atepomarus? Brythonic god of horses, that's British to anyone reading this book--" '''Britt: "Book?" Horse-God: "Nevermind. It's okay, just call me the Horse-God. Everyone seems to get a good giggle out of that." Everyone: "... ... ... " Horse-God: "Not even a giggle? You guys suck." Britt: "Suck? On what?" ' Horse-God:' "Just -- okay! Skip all the small talk, your Princess is in another catle. And by Princess I mean Nyneve. And my castle I mean fort." Britt: '''"Wow! You know Nyneve!?" '''Imperator: "You knew we were looking for her?" Dave: "You know who we are?" Septimus: "You have the head of a horse..." Horse-God: "I may be the god of horses, but I'm still a god, okay? I know stuff. Plus, this was a whole plot point going nowhere." Britt: "Plot point?" Horse-God: '"I hope I never have to deal with Heroes as dim-witted as you lot in the future..." 'Arkng Thand: "Foreshadowing. Silly Atepomarus. You condemn yourself." Britt: "So, where is ''the fort with Nyneve in it?" '''Horse-God:' "Ireland." Britt: "Where's that?" Horse-God: "Uh... Ancient Roman name... Hibernia." Britt: "Right! Off to Hibernia then!" Horse-God: '''"Actually that information doesn't come free..." '''Britt: "What do you want in return?" Horse-God: "You have to kill the most dreaded, vicious, horrible, horrendous, villainous, dangerous, vile, disturbing, savage, cruel, depraved, heinous, monstrous, disgusting, disreputable--" Imperator: "Can we skip the rest?" Horse-God: "--beasties ever known to man." Britt: "Uh... I'm not really sure if we're the guys for the job, to be honest. We're not really the 'slaying beasties' type. We're more the... 'taking it easy' type." Imperator: "No, Britticus! This is it! Our first chance at valour as a group. We do this and we'll go down into Celtic legend! They'll probably get the story all messed up and wrong, maybe change our names -- maybe to George -- and get the monster wrong -- maybe they'll call it a dragon -- but it'll still be all about us! This is our chance to prove ourselves. A test!" Britt: "I kind of don't want to die." Imperator: "You've done it once before, why not go a second round?" Before Britt could rebuke, the Horse-God - with his weird open mouth - was talking again. Horse-God: "Great! Just head north of here and you'll find them. Good luck!" Britt: "Uh, aren't you going to give us magical weapons or something? You know, quest rewards?" Horse-God: "Uh... I could give you a sugar cube?" Britt: "No thanks..." Horse-God: "That's good, I was planning to munch on that later. I haven't really got anything else. Except for these--" The Horse-God pulls out a suitcase, flips the clasps and reveals a treasure trove of guns! Britt: "What the heck're they!?" Horse-God: "Well, this one I like to call 'The Little Helper'..." Sometime later Britt is kitted up with more guns than an Arnold SchwartzeneggerArnold Schwartzenegger article, Wikipedia. and ready for action. The Heroes stand at the spot indicated by the Horse-God but see only rabbits... And we all know how THAT ends. Arkng Thand: "There should be a ticker for how many times that gag crops up throughout the course of NeS History." Britt and his party finally made it back to Maiden Fort and the Durotriges tribe - only half a crew short of men. Horse-God: "Wow... I'm impressed you came back alive." ' Britt:' "You are a rubbish god." ' Horse-God:' "Now that's a bit uncalled for!" Imperator: "At least you finally experienced your first kill, Britticus. Now you're a real man." Britt: "Because I used a machine gun on a horde of rabbits?" Imperator: "Deadly rabbits." Britt grumbled an dumped all of his guns at the feet on the Horse-God, never intending to use them ever again. Dave, who had lost an eye during the rabbit-battle and looked all the more horrific, started recruiting new sailors from the Durotriges while Britt, Septimus, Imperator and the remaining crewmen returned to the trieme to lick their wounds. Notes Britt's Commentary "This post suggests that the story of Saint GeorgeSaint George article, Wikipedia. slaying a dragon is misremembered facts of Britt and his group slaying rabbits. The vicious rabbits is a recurring joke from Monty Python and the Holy GrailMonty Python and the Holy Grail article, Wikipedia.." ~ Britt the Writer. References External References Category:Post Category:NeS2 Post